If someone you care about has been sexually assaulted, you’re not alone in feeling unsure about what to say or do. Many people worry about making things worse or saying the wrong thing. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Wanting to support someone is already a meaningful first step. As you read this article, keep in mind that this is guidance for helping adult survivors of sexual assault. There are vastly different considerations when supporting children and youth.
Quick Support Tips
(If you only read one section, start here.)
- Believe what they say
- Listen more than you talk
- Let them make their own decisions
- Avoid “why” questions
- Don’t pressure them to report
- Offer practical help, not advice
You don’t need to say the perfect thing. Being present and respectful goes a long way.
There Is No “Right” Choice About Reporting
One of the hardest decisions survivors may face is whether to report the assault. There is no right or wrong choice. What feels safest or most helpful will be different for every person.
Survivors might want to know about things like:
- What does justice mean to me?
- How important is my privacy?
- How do I feel about police or the legal system?
- Do I know what reporting involves?
- What other options exist besides reporting?
- What do I actually need right now to heal?
What most survivors want from the people supporting them is simply this:
- to be believed;
- to be listened to with care; and
- to be given space to figure out what they need.
Support means trusting their experience, staying non-judgmental, and helping them explore options without pressure.
Deciding Whether to Report
Choosing whether to report a sexual assault can be overwhelming. Survivors are more likely to open up when they feel listened to, believed, and respected. When they are met with doubt or skepticism, it can deepen the harm and make trauma symptoms worse.
You can help restore a sense of control by supporting survivors to look at their options in a calm, open way. This might mean sharing information honestly—without sugar-coating, but without being discouraging either. Try to offer information in small pieces and in plain language so it’s easier to take in.
The goal isn’t to steer them toward a decision, but to support informed choice.
What Do Survivors Need Most?
Sexual assault takes away choice. Healing often involves getting that sense of choice back.
Survivors may want:
- Control over decisions
- Time to think
- Respect for their boundaries
- Information without pressure
Sometimes survivors are hurt again by how others respond. This is called secondary victimization—when people unintentionally reinforce harmful beliefs about sexual assault. Many of us have absorbed myths from our culture without realizing it. Being aware of this helps us respond with more care.
It’s also important to know that trauma can affect behaviour. Survivors might:
- Delay reporting or never report
- Remember details differently over time
- Minimize what happened or blame themselves
- Stay in contact with the person who harmed them
- Show less emotion—or more emotion—than others expect
All of these reactions can be normal responses to trauma.
When and How Survivors Disclose
Most sexual assaults are never reported to police. Many survivors wait days, weeks, or much longer before telling anyone. Delays are especially common when the person who caused harm was a family member or when the survivor was a child at the time.
In Canada, sexual assault is the most underreported violent crime. What matters most early on is support. Survivors who receive caring, timely, and respectful responses tend to recover more steadily. As a loved one, offering empathy and having a willingness to listen can make a real difference.
Reporting Options in Canada
Survivors in Canada have several options:
- Choosing not to report
- Making an anonymous third-party report
- Making a formal police report
Third-party reporting can be a middle option for people who want to share information without starting a criminal process. It does not lead to charges, but it allows police to track patterns and repeat offenders. It can also help survivors access funded services like counselling.
Survivors always have the right to accept or decline services. It’s also important to know that there is no statute of limitations for sexual assault in Canada. Survivors can choose to report later, or pursue civil (non-criminal) options instead.
Pros and Cons of Reporting
Some survivors choose to report because they want to protect others from harm. Others hope for accountability or closure. At the same time, the justice system can be difficult and retraumatizing, and many survivors say they would not report again.
What helps most is having realistic information about what reporting may involve—alongside other options—so survivors can decide what feels right for them. Knowing their choices can be empowering, even if they choose not to report.
Alternative Paths to Justice
For survivors to truly have choice, they need to know there are options beyond the traditional justice system. Many survivors are not looking for punishment. What they often want most is for the harm to stop and for themselves and others to be safe.
One option some survivors consider is restorative justice, which focuses on healing rather than punishment. Survivors who choose this approach often feel more heard and involved than they do in the court system. It’s also important to know that many survivors never seek formal justice at all. They may turn to friends, counselling, writing, art, or advocacy instead.
When supporting a survivor, it's natural to have thoughts and feelings about what you think is "right." However, unless asked, personal opinions should be set aside. Survivors deserve clear information and the freedom to decide for themselves how to move forward.
What Not to Say to a Survivor
One of the most important things you can do is believe them. Saying something as simple as “I believe you” can be deeply healing.
Try to avoid:
- Asking “why” questions (they can sound blaming)
- Suggesting the survivor may have done something to cause the assault
- Pressuring them to report
You don’t need to investigate or question their story—your role is to support, not to judge. Even if you have strong opinions about what you think they should do, focus on supporting the decision they come to.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I encourage them to report?
For adults, the decision to report is theirs alone. (When a child is harmed, there is a legal duty to report.) You can help survivors by discussing options without pushing them in any direction. Their values around privacy, safety, justice, and healing are what matter most.
What if I said the wrong thing?
This is a very common fear. The basics go a long way: listen more than you talk, believe them, avoid harmful myths, and respect their choices. If you do say something that doesn’t land well, a simple apology is enough. You don’t have to be perfect.
How long does recovery take?
There is no timeline. Healing looks different for everyone. What we do know is that survivors who are believed, supported, and allowed to make their own choices often experience fewer trauma symptoms and recover more steadily.
What if they don’t want help?
Respect that choice. Survivors heal in many ways. You can gently remind them that support options—and reporting—remain available if they ever want them. In Canada, they can choose to report at any point in the future.
A Final Word
Supporting someone after sexual assault can feel intimidating. You may worry that you’re not doing enough or that you’ll say the wrong thing. Be assured that your care matters. Listening, believing, and respecting your loved one's choices can make a real difference—even if you don’t have all the answers.
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